I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
