oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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