Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
