I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My penis needs a shock collar
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
