Sober January is a disaster.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
