her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
