i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
