True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
