actually, I'm a sock model
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
