I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
