apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
