so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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