Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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