He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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