Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
