How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
