I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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