Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
