How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
