I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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