Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
