I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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