Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
