I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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