erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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