I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
