Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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