So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
