We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
