life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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