my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
