jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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