He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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