We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I stole a fireplace last night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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