Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
