if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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