ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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