I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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