Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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