I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Pants are for mortals
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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