just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
