And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
