College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
