dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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