I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Drake has all the answers
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
