He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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