tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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