I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
