I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
