She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
