The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Randomize
