why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
