I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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