it hurts more in the daytime
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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