Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I still have a little drunk in my system
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
