When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
