In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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