My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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