Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
